My husband chats online behind locked doors! Posted September 27th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Theresa, 42 from Radcliff writes…

“My husband and I have been married 5 1/2 years. The first 18 months were great, then he discovered “hot chat” on a local BBS. Suddenly the computer room door was locked, he had no interest in having sex with me, (unless he’d been chatting) etc. It’s gotten a lot worse since we went on the Net. I came home from work one morning and the video cam was set up pointing towards his crotch area and he’d been on ICUII. He says he didn’t do anything but I’ve caught him in so many lies that I find that hard to believe. Is there any chance of salvaging this marriage or would I be better off just cutting my losses and moving on?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You mean to say you have been dealing with this crap for the past four years? If it was something that just started recently I would say talk him through it, but this is fucking ridiculous!

I am unsure of the actual amount of time he spends doing all of this, but I am assuming an excessive amount. If true, in combination with the fact he no longer desires sex with you and the length of time, it has gone from an interest to an unhealthy addiction. He is not alone. There are many people all over the world who have become chat room junkies and it can be a serious problem, not to be taken lightly. There isn’t anything particularly wrong with chatting with real world or online friends in these chat rooms. For many, its a great way to communicate with people. It is when it gets to levels like this that it’s a problem.

You haven’t made it clear to me what you have done so far. If you haven’t had a SERIOUS talk with him about this, you are turning a blind eye to this obsession. You need to sit down with him and explain that this behaviour of chatting with other people (women or not) behind locked doors, the excuses, lack of sexual interest in you and strange behaviour concerns you greatly.

You will gain great insight into what he thinks of you, and the relationship by his responses. If this is something that is truly troubling you, and he basically blows your concerns off and keeps doing it, its time to talk to him about where this relationship is going. You have to ask yourself why are you really sticking around for this guy if he isn’t showing any interest in anything excepting chatting online? Surely that doesn’t equal a fulfilling relationship for you. For that matter, heck, ask HIM why you should stick around if that’s all he ever does?! Right? I mean, shit, wouldn’t it be interesting to know what he thinks you should be doing or thinking while he goes off to cyber land each night streaming videos of himself wanking off to some online slut?

You could try a number of other things which could all result in different levels of success and failure. Like yanking the cord out of the wall or tempting him when he’s chatting by suggesting other things to do, and on and on. But why bother doing all that kind of stuff? You’re really just distracting him from what he really wants to do. Unless you really truly haven’t made an effort to do things with him together, and this is his way of dealing with it and creating his own life (not that its any excuse to be possibly committing online adultery). I simply don’t know the details of your life like you do.

In closing, I would say at any rate its major discussion with the hubbie time. If he listens that’s great, if not, you need to openly discuss where your future is going.

That’s Life!