I realized my feelings for him after we broke up! Posted December 24th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Jess, 17 from New Hampshire writes…

“I dated my ex-boyfriend exactly a year ago for a few weeks. We broke up and parted as friends, still talking on the phone all the time. He stared going out with a girl a month or two after we broke up and they are still dating. I have to be honest and say that when we were going out I didn’t have any feelings for him.

Well I started hearing from friends that he had feelings for me a few months after he was going out with his current girlfriend. At this point I began to realize that I had feelings for him too. We are extremely close, and we stay up talking until 3 in the morning every weekend, and when we’re not together we talk on the phone every night. He is literally my best friend and he says I am his too. He tells me things that he is scared to tell his girlfriend. She treats him sooo shitty!!! I hate it so much.

Well I confronted him about having feelings for me, and he said that he did. So I admitted that I have feelings for him too. We went for a drive one night and ended up in a field under the stars. You can guess what happened… we were there for a few hours and it was two in the morning. He is still going out with his girlfriend and is “deciding what to do”.

So my question is, what should I do??? Obviously I am not going to let him make out with me than let him go to his girlfriend’s house to get some. He says that he loves me, but is scared to leave her (they’ve been together for a year). Should I cut off contact or something? I don’t know what to do! It has been nearly a week and he is still thinking! Please help me! As soon as you can! Please! Thanks”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

What is different from when you broke up with him a year ago and now? You keep talking about these new found “feelings” you are having for him and vise versa, but why didn’t you have them when you were actually going out with him? Could you give me a list of things that spurred the feelings on other then “we talk on the phone a lot” and “we bonked in the park?” You need to ask yourself what REALLY made you “realize” you had feelings for him. That you were alone? That he had someone else? Or that you genuinely realized what he meant to you. Be brutally honest with yourself on this one or your going to be wasting a lot of time here.

If she treats him so shitty…WHY THE FUCK IS HE STILL WITH HER? Does he just sit there and put up with it like a little girl or what? If he is scared to leave someone that treats him like shit you have to wonder about him!

Why wouldn’t you let him bonk you and then go and do it with his girlfriend? SHE IS HIS GIRLFRIEND and he has made it clear that he has a girlfriend. What the heck do you expect? It also demonstrates his character to you… He has a girlfriend, but is screwing you, even when he doesn’t know he is breaking up with his current girlfriend. Is that the kind of guy you want? Just remember, if you two are going out and a year down the road he gets bored and starts “sampling” some other chick, you can’t say this situation didn’t warn you he would!

Why cut off contact? He sounds like an ok FRIEND from what you have told me, getting into a full blown relationship with him is a different story.

I honestly don’t imagine he is thinking to hard on this whole thing. He sounds like he’s the kind of guy that isn’t too bright in the decision making department. I’m sure if you left it to him, he would be “thinking” about it all of next week too.. Id say leave it to him. That is always the best way to find out what other people think of you… leaving the initiative to them to call or visit you. That’s when you will have your clear answer and until then I would just sit back and see what happens…

That’s life!