This isn’t what I hoped marriage would be like! Posted January 6th, 2008 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Katie, 22 from Lansing writes…

“I’m married and I do love my husband. He is 24. At times, I feel he does not take the marriage into high importance. I asked my husband to spend at least 15 minutes a day talking and to spend one day a week with me. Before I had a hard time even getting him to talk to me. I often feel like when we were dating all was okay, but as soon as we got married, I feel like he’s changed and is not ready for marriage. A lot has happened to us in our own personal lives, but who doesn’t have any past issues? I have several issues I can deal with alone or with his support, but he won’t even talk to me about anything unless I bring the subject up first. I just know I’m left questioning the value of marriage. My husband holds to society’s typical standard of marriage. Wife stays home, cooks, cleans, laundry, and leaves the man alone. Like what he wants to do is fine and dandy, but when I want to do something, I have to do it on his terms.

We spend many hours at his parents house, but we spent at least half of those “many” hours at my parents visiting. I don’t like this and I find it very unfair to me. I say my husband could be doing me better, but our parents say this is normal and that I’m to live with it. As if I’ve got no choice. My husband has a fine habit of not asking me if we have plans or remembering/asking my input on any plans he/we/I make. Like he can do as he pleases, but I must include him in all I do. I get upset and he does not understand why. I explained why and he claims he’s sorry and won’t do it again. My husband has been known to make a lot of plans/promises and he always breaks them. He wonders why I get so upset and afraid to trust him. You see, I watched a lot of people live with society’s lifestyle of marriage and I don’t want that type of life for myself. Before my husband and I were married we had made a marriage contract and I’ve held up my end of the contract, but he’s yet to fulfill his part. He has even thought of having children early and I told him I wanted to wait longer, like 25.

My main question is how do I know when my husband is giving me sob story and sorry excuse for his lame idea to say he’s not ready for the true responsibilities of a married life and that he only wants what he can get, not caring what I want or anything. I’ve dated several times before I married and he has not dated anyone outside of me. I was concerned that he wasn’t ready since I was his only one, but he assured me it was no problem. I feel like I went into this marriage with my head on straight and he is not ready at all. How do I find out if my husband if truly sincere in being married to me, he’s just needing additional time? Am I blowing things way out of proportion?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Katie, from the sounds of things, you are not blowing things out of proportion, providing what you are telling me is accurate and not just “your side” of the story. Make sure you are looking at both sides of this. Your first line talks about how you love your husband, but then go in great detail for the rest of the email giving me pretty good reasons why you wouldn’t.

You first, before all of this, need to be honest with yourself and ask how much you loved your husband back when you were first going out before marriage, and how much you love him right now. Then ask, what changed that. Was there something that may have caused this attitude adjustment? Or are you just noticing these things now because you are living together or know you are in this for the long haul?

First off, you need to see him as he is…Requiring him to talk with you for x amount of time per week and see you x amount of days is fucking wrong. Just completely lift these rules and see what happens! You then know very well what he thinks of the whole thing because it requires HIS effort and initiative. Requiring him to see you only masks what the real situation is. He will also build a resentment towards talking to you if he feels there is a requirement to do so. The fact that you felt you had to instate such a thing would imply that things are pretty fucked up in your view.

You are right though, he doesn’t really have an interest in your life, which is something that is important in a marriage. He doesn’t even sound like a good friend, let alone husband. A friend would show an interest, be curious as to what is happening in your life and your opinion on things, so this is something your husband should definitely have. A friend would also allow you to decide things for yourself and do things which are beneficial to your life, the hubbie doesn’t do this.

As for your inability to do anything you want to because he needs to literally approve it, that is just wrong. You have to remember that even though you are married, you are still, YOU! Your identity, ability to make decisions for yourself and independence aren’t checked in at the door when you get married, they are all still rights that you have. Live how you feel it best creates a good quality of life for you, not by how someone else dictates it to you. Marriage is about two people being together in a relationship, but they are still two people, with two separate lives in the end.

Your parents approving what is going on is fucking warped. They should be concerned about the health of this relationship - and NO you shouldn’t be just accepting it for what it is.

The fact that he is breaking plans and promises (providing he is not giving good explanations) is crap. People, regardless of who they are or what relationship they are in, need to stand by what they say. Its as simple as that. Otherwise they are not respecting you! Also ask, are you breaking any plans or promises on your end?

Marriage contract eh? Do you know what a contract is for? Its something that is invoked to make sure all parties concerned do what is requested of them or else. Basically speaking.  Again, ALL PARTIES CONCERNED, meaning you AND your husband. This marriage contract sounds pretty dorky. Like as in this whole attitude he has did predate your marriage, and something like this was felt needed. You two put this in place for most likely similar reasons you placed the 15 minute talk quota on him, bad. However, if he isn’t living up to his end of it, bring it to him and ask why? Mention that you met your side of the agreement, if he challenges that - make sure you listen to what he says, he may have some valid points.

Having a kid would be the worst decision right now. Communication between the parents (something you guys are truly lacking) is a key element in successfully raising a child. WOW Katie, you really don’t want kids with this guy until things are sorted out and you are DAM WELL READY TO HAVE ONE. You have kids when you are fucking well ready to. If you say no, its because you still want to live your life and are simply not ready. Its not as if you have said “No - Never!” you just don’t want it right now. Very understandably too, your only 22 and want to be experiencing more in your life before you have to commit a lot of your time and efforts into child raising.  That is all he needs to know, and that is where it should be left until you decide its time.

When you wrote this letter to me you knew exactly that his excuses and stories were horse shit. Why are you asking me? If you just want a second opinion…Yes, its all horse shit!

If you’re the first and last girl he went out with, that will be on his mind for the rest of his life “What would it have been like if…” “I wonder what its like to dick some other chick…” “Wonder what it would have been like if I stayed on the singles seen and just had some fun.” get the picture? BAD move to marry the first girl you go out with. No matter what he told you, those questions are going to be with him forever.

This whole thing is nothing about needing more time for him to get serious about this relationship, he would be completely different right now if he was going to ever take this seriously. Examine what you have now, and just project it 10,20,30 years ahead… time to make some changes baby… Sit down for the big talk, and ask him questions like, “Do you love me?” “Why do you love me?” “What things that you do, convey to me that you love me, because I’m sure as hell not getting them!” Explain to him, in detail, all the feelings you have just like you told me, WITH MANY EXAMPLES READY TO BACKUP ALL THESE FEELINGS. From the answers he gives you, you’ll know what to do from there. Luckily there are no kids involved, in case his answers really suck. It sounds like you are really unhappy with the whole relationship, and if he isn’t giving you answers to your questions that shine hope in the future or that he is going to change, you two should seek some serious marriage counseling. If giving that an honest attempt doesn’t accomplish the results you seek, I would say you need to re-evaluate your marriage.

That’s unfortunately life…