I feel so guilty when dating other guys! Posted November 6th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Sarah, 16 from New York writes…

“Hey Dr Thatslife, I haven’t done this before so I hope I do it right. Okay, it all started about a year and a half ago. I had a great boyfriend, he meant everything to me, and if he told the truth then I was everything to him too. You probably think that at the time a fourteen year old wouldn’t know what love is. I admit maybe I don’t but I have never felt the way I feel about him than to anybody else ever, even now. We were going out for about 8 months and then he told me he was moving, and to make it even worse he was moving from New York to Connecticut. We both were upset, but there was nothing either of us could do. So he moved in august and we became “just friends”. He decided that it would be best for both of us if we didn’t have a long distance relationship and I agreed. This all happened about 6 months ago. 

Still, we keep in contact with each other online or over the phone, we actually talk every single day. Neither of us talk about our past relationship or dating other people that much, I guess we kind of had an unspoken agreement to not see other people until high school finished and we could be with each other again. It’s hard… he is going to drive up here at the end of senior year and is planning on going to a college that is very close to my house, you could probably understand, he wants to see me just as much as I want to see him. Okay, so here’s where my troubles come in. If I date another guy, even once, I feel extremely guilty, like I betrayed him. And if he dates another girl he feels really horrible about it too. And we both tend to get a little jealous too. I don’t know what to do, I feel like this whole situation is totally screwed up. I can’t even have another boyfriend because I always ruin it. Please help me Dr  Thatslife.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

You two made the right decision by agreeing not to have a long distance relationship, but at the same time it sounds like you’re having one.

It all comes down to the simple fact that you guys are just friends, not dating and are not even in the same state. It was a mutual decision to end the relationship due to circumstance and on good terms. Since it was a great relationship, it makes it hard to actually move on. There is a big difference between being friends and being in a relationship, you just need to remind yourself of them.

It is first of all unreasonable for either of you not to date anyone until the end of high school. By that time you two may have changed, either of you may no longer be interested, and you have also wasted an important time in your life to be meeting and dating a variety of other people. All of this for someone you have no guarantees will be there for you in the end. Its all lovely to have these dreams of him coming back to the school near you and being together again… but you have to assume a number of years down the track, that scenario may not happen.

With that in mind, you need to in your mind seriously focus on the fact that you two are only friends and have your own separate lives to fulfill. Talking on the phone and emailing someone in another state is not a fulfilling way to spend your high school years.

I can understand why you two may not talk about your past relationship or current dating, it can be difficult. Fact of the matter is, you don’t have to talk about any of that to him, he’s just your friend, making it completely optional. If you are dating another guy, it is actually none of his business if you don’t feel like telling him about it.

You have to say to yourself, “WHY do I have these feelings of guilt? I only went out with him for 8 months, he doesn’t even live here any more, and I need to get on with my life!” Can you really come up with any valid reasons to feel guilty? Jealousy is also another normal feeling, but again, WHY are you feeling guilty? At the end of a day of feeling guilty about dating some new guy the night before, have you really achieved anything by feeling that way? NO WAY! So evaluate on what basis are you feeling guilt and jealousy and ask are they really substantiated by your relationship with him. Jealousy? He has just as much right to date other people as you do now. I think you will find that there really is no reason to feel this way in the end if you just let go of him.

Also keep in mind what guilt actually is! A feeling you get when you have done something wrong. You are doing nothing wrong when dating other guys!

It sounds like he was POSSIBLY your first or one of your first serious relationships, this makes it even harder to part your ways, but at the same time even more important to move on.

So, remember you two are FRIENDS; you have no guarantees of being together in the future; both of you need to develop your own separate lives; and really evaluate your feelings with a dose of reality. Its good that you two keep in contact and stay friends, that is important, just don’t let it take over your life.

That’s Life!