How to tell him I want to hold off on sex? Posted September 24th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Danica, 30 from Seattle writes…

“Here is my problem. I filed for divorce (after a seven year marriage) which became final last summer. The relationship was emotionally abusive, so I just had to get out. He was/is a pathological liar and promised me a lot of things. I was stupid and vulnerable after the divorce and “thought” that I fell in love with a married man. We were emotionally close for about six months before we ‘did the deed’ and, of course, stupid female that I sometimes can be, I actually believed him when he said that he wanted to be with me. I had blinders on, I know!!! Like I’d WANT a cheater in my life. Anyway, that’s not really the problem. I FINALLY have my head on straight in that issue. The problem is that I have met an exceptional man (so far, anyway). I have told him that I am still carrying baggage and I’ve figured out that someone needs to earn my trust rather than just have me blindly accept whatever he says as ‘gospel’. What that means, basically, is that I am not sleeping with him until I am pretty that I can trust him. What I really want to know, from a ‘guy’s’ perspective, how do I tell him this without making him feel as though he’s not all ‘THAT’. (Don’t get me wrong, I have a VERY healthy appetite for sex, so it will be very hard to say no when I get closer to him emotionally. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Yeah, the married guy option is definitely a dead end road. I think its good that you lay the cards on the table up front with this new guy, it will benefit both of you in the long run. However, I would be careful about the wording you use to describe this baggage situation. Men run for the hills at any hint of excess baggage, because most men have been there, and don’t want to go back to the airport for more. So, explain it to him along the lines of… “You enjoy his company very much, you love doing things with him, but want to take your time and develop a relationship and not jump into anything right away. There were some experiences in the past which have made getting emotionally involved with someone a matter which is handled with care.” If the guy truly is the ‘exceptional man’ you say, he will take his time with you and understand the importance of holding off on romp time and serious relationship stuff for a while. In the mean time, if you are comfortable with holding hands and maybe kissing him, that will be something that keeps your physical affection towards each other in place while the more down low stuff is on pause.

That’s Life!