He’s placing the home business before family! Posted August 12th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Lynn, 25 from Bayonne writes…

“I’ve been with my boyfriend, Frank, for 7 years. We have a wedding date set for this September, everything is just about finalized. We also have a 3 year old son. First off, let me say what he does right. Frank is a great dad, when he’s around. Frank’s father passed away when he was very young and his mother is pretty screwy so I think he’s doing pretty well for not having a stable childhood. We also have an awesome sex life, and when we are getting along, things between us are really good. The problem is we fight like mad. Frank turns everything to me, everything is my fault, even when it clearly is not. His priorities are very messed up. He’s starting his own business that takes up his time 24/ 7. When he’s home, he’s on the computer plugging this business, when we talk, its my opinions on this business, I can’t stand it. Today is our son’s birthday and he’s away for the weekend and sees nothing wrong with not being here because our son’s b-day party is next week and he’s away doing things for this business, which he insists will be the only way for him to ever make something of himself ~ he is not unemployed, he does have a normal, full time job. I also had tests done on my heart yesterday because my blood pressure is through the roof, he knew I was very nervous about these tests and he didn’t even call to see how they went. I don’t trust him because 3 years ago, I caught him talking to a girl online, I talked to her and she said that he asked her out to dinner, I stopped it before anything came of it. He said that he realized what he would of lost then and promised nothing would ever happen again. I want to believe that, but I cannot throw my trust into him anymore. I have this uncontrollable dislike for him because of his lack of respect for this family. Please help, I’m at my wits end.”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Marriage in September eh? It doesn’t sound like we have a man to be the groom yet. Not being there for his little sons birthday is lame, not calling when you have important health issues is also, lame. They are symptoms of his lifestyle. The fights you are having could have something to do with the stress and anxiety associated with the amount of work he is most likely involved in. Juggling a daytime job and a thing on the side is a hard way to live. Work time is supposed to be work time, home time is supposed to be home time.

However him flipping fault around to you all the time sounds more to do with his character. Make sure he backs up his accusations with strong evidence, it is easy for people to say, “You ALWAYS do this”, or, “How come you NEVER do that”. Get him to give you proof. And if there is an ALWAYS or NEVER in his wording, get him to give you the number of examples needed to back up that quantity. This can sometimes defuse their exaggerations or allegations of your sole responsibility, because it forces them to realize it hasn’t happened as much, or that you aren’t actually at fault or may only share in the fault. In any case, fighting all the time is such a colossal waste of time, it is something you need to make sure is going to change, BEFORE marriage.

The invitation for dinner he made to that woman years ago could have been a once off thing. Unless you have some sort of evidence of a similar situation or strange behavior indicative of “fooling around” that has popped up in the 3 years since, I would focus more on the rest of the relationship.

It sounds like more than anything, he is so absorbed with this home business that everything else is starting to crumble around him. Look at it from his point of view… Anyone trying to get a home business going knows the enormous time commitment required. You have to realize he is literally thinking 24/7 about what he can do to build it, promote it and sell, sell, sell. He is trying to accomplish things companies hire numerous people to do. The marketing guy, development guy, finance guy, all rolled into Frank! Unfortunately at the cost of other things that would normally be occupying that time or thought cycle, example the family. You need to ask him where he sees the marriage going at this rate… “To me it feels as though your business is your first priority, it is all you do and talk about, and it bothers me. How is it expected to have a functional marriage and family like this? Basically, where does marriage fit into your life and what can you tell me that will say I am marrying a person who cares about the welfare of the family above all else? Because your actions right now don’t instill faith in that concept.”

Now pick your own wording for what I just wrote based on the whole picture (as I only know what you wrote in your consultation). Make sure you have his undivided attention, and that you are in an environment that fosters an open discussion. It should be interesting to hear what he has to say. It may well be he has good intentions with the family. It is just that he has lost focus because of the business and needs to be put back on track. On the other hand, he may reveal to you through his responses that the business is his primary focus. Keep in mind your objective is not to eliminate the home business, only to seek a better balance - the fact that he is ambitious and has such goals is a good thing and ultimately is going to support the family financially in a positive way.

But until you have a firm commitment from him and him DEMONSTRATING improved commitment to you and your son, marriage should not be on the agenda for September.

That’s Life!