He’s ambitious and driven, that’s good and bad! Posted September 9th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Thalia, 22 from Detroit writes…

“I’ve been going out with my boyfriend for six months. We live 20 min away from each other walking distance, but we only see each other once a week because he’s so busy. One of his most attractive qualities is that he’s so ambitious and so driven, but that also means that he’s really into himself, and that I’m of lower priority. I thought that I was ok with this, but this relationship feels so one-sided, because I really like him, but he’s more focused on his career than he is on me. He’s said that more time is not something that he can offer me right now. I think he’s a really amazing person though, and whenever we do hang out I’m really happy. So do I stay with him and get incredibly sad whenever he doesn’t have time for me? Am I not being understanding enough? He’s different from anybody I’ve ever met, so I’m scared that if I break up with him, I’ll never be able to meet someone so unique. What should I do?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

The thing is, this sort of situation can sometimes accompany “attractive qualities” like ambition and drive. He is working hard to accomplish goals in his career and life, and much time is needed to achieve them. It is more a matter of you not “understanding” rather than “being understanding”.

With a relationship like this, it is not about “getting incredibly sad whenever he doesn’t have time for me”, its about “I have my own life as well (just like I should) and when he’s doing his stuff, I’m doing mine!”. He is the wrong person to be with if you like relationships you can spend much time with your partner. This is a relationship suited to people where dating is one of many components of their life. You are right, his ambition is an excellent quality, and something that will most likely be part of his whole life. You need to determine if it, and the side effects of it are what you want in a partner.

In your consultation you never mentioned what kind of a conversation you have had with him about this, but if you haven’t had a full-on conversation, you definitely should. Talking about “priorities” may be the wrong approach. As far as I’m concerned, someone telling their partner that they have to be the number one priority in their life is wrong. That’s like saying “ignore everything else, I’m all you need”. Which is really bullshit in a situation like this where you are just dating and its been only half a year. Its romantic sure, but the reality is that there needs to be a number of things in ones life that are of top priority. So instead, talk about the fact that you understand he has much on his plate to tackle and that it all takes time, however, you would like to see your relationship flourish and spending time together is important for that. Tell him spending time with him is something you really like, and look forward to. See how he responds to this. You will know from his responses whether “work or you” really has the clear dominance in his life. He was good about being up front and honest when he said he really can’t offer more time in the relationship, now see if this is a long term thing or simply the current situation.

Also try and look at it positively. Look at your time apart during the week as time on your own to grow and develop yourself with interests, learning or drive to do something of your own. I’m also sure that the times that you do actually see him are really enjoyable catching up on the time that you haven’t seen him. At least you don’t have to worry about relationship burn out from seeing too much of each other.

So talk to him and decide if the outcome of the conversation is what you want. Things may change more in the direction of what you want, or, he may be determined to continue the way things are now. You sound like you really like this guy, so see what you can do to develop your own interests, friends and activities. If it doesn’t work out, then at least you know this sort of relationship simply isn’t suited to you.”

That’s Life!