He cheated for revenge on something I didn’t do! Posted October 21st, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Michelle, 28 from Indiana writes…

“My boyfriend, of 3 years at the time, thought that I had been cheating on him. He let it eat at him for a couple of weeks without saying anything and in the meantime there was a girl who was trying to get with him by playing the “friend” role. I wasn’t aware of it at the time because she was just a customer of ours (we were bartenders at the same bar) and he said that he couldn’t stand her. She saw him in the bar one night and asked why he was upset and he said that he thought I was cheating on him and she said that maybe it would help to talk to a girl to get a female point of view. She came by his house while I was at work.

This is my problem… (I know that the details are true because I asked the little bitch) He did her “orally” for about a minute and then she did the same for quite awhile only because he couldn’t get an erection. (He never has that problem with me) He finally put a stop to it and told her to leave and not to tell anyone. He never told me any of this, I found out on my own, it only took a week. He told me that the only reason he did it was that he thought I was cheating on him and he wanted to get me back, and the only reason that he “went down” on her was because he knew that it would hurt me.

I want to believe him but it has been 2 years and I can’t get over it. It still hurts and I don’t trust him anymore. I wasn’t there and I don’t know if he stopped because he felt guilty, like he claims, or if he got frustrated not being able to get it up. I used to trust him 100% now all I do is think he is cheating on me. Give me some advice PLEASE!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

I can see why you have lost faith in him… What he did is so immature that you could probably get a frown out of a new born baby. He THINKS you’re cheating on him, and his best solution is to eat out some chick he knows as a patron at the bar he works at? This is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. First, he didn’t have the balls to just confront you to save himself from all this and learn the truth. Then, he decided that getting revenge on something he doesn’t even know is true was the best thing to do. Wow, what a winner.

Does he handle everything like this? This sort of attitude must show through in other things he does. If you really do want to bother with him and get past this little incident you need to put closure to it in your mind. It will be difficult because now you’ve been dwelling and brewing over it for all of known time. Also, you will need to be some how satisfied that he won’t do anything this retarded again, and that is up to him how he convinces you. Then it’s up to you to believe him or not.

First, don’t focus on the little bullshit stuff like “whether he stopped with her because his conscious was killing him or because he had a limp cock.” WHO CARES?! No matter what the answer is to that (and you will most likely never know the real answer) it makes no difference at this point. Right? So don’t spend mind cycles worrying about it. You need to deal with a situation like this on a much larger scale. He was there, with his head between another woman’s legs. It’s as simple as that. Throw all the excuses and little fine print details away, and just look at it for what it is. Then you have a much more manageable way of looking at it in your mind. One big issue versus a dozen smaller questions (basically describing the same thing, and many based on unknowns) is much easier to cope with.

Then you need to ask yourself, is this acceptable or not. You may come to the conclusion that this is ridiculous and realize that you can’t deal with a person that handles things this moronically and it’s time to move on. But it sounds like you want to keep going with this relationship so let’s go down that road here instead.

It’s time to start having a serious talk with him. Sit him down and explain to him “what you did to me and how you have felt over the past couple of years”. Then ask him how he intends on assuring you this won’t happen again. Feel free to ask him pretty well anything you want. Once you stand up and leave this conversation and there are still nagging questions in your head, they will eat at you forever. And it will be harder to ask him these left over questions at a later time, because an open conversation like this one about this topic will be harder to start and will only reopen the issue. Let’s just get it closed NOW so you’re not wrecking yourself over it any more. Don’t be afraid in expressing EXACTLY how you feel about every aspect of this incident. If he starts blowing it off as a non-issue, blow HIM off as a non-boyfriend.

His assurances and answers to you are going to have to be pretty fucking straight forward and believable. From his hopefully very well orchestrated answers, you will then have to decide in your mind whether you can deal with what has happened. Jet off to a place that you can think, and sort through what he has said, compare to how you have been feeling, and figure out where you are. You may not be able to come to closure on it immediately, but you will at least start getting an understanding of where things are at and heading. From there over the next while it will become clear how you still feel and what to do about it.

Do something soon because this must be the worst way to feel for so long and you just don’t need this on your mind.

That’s Life!