Why do I always have bad relationships? Posted August 21st, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Tony, 24 from Portland writes…

“I seem to be setting myself up for failure in relationships. By this I mean, I seem to get attached to women that are long distances away (knowing those don’t work) or women that are far above my level. I think that this is a problem for me in that I think I may be afraid of getting hurt or something. If I try to hook up with a woman on my level (1-10) I find myself getting bored easily. What do you think? If you agree that it’s a problem what are some steps you’d recommend for resolution?”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

Tony, its all really similar to a game of basketball. Say two people have a chance to get an awesome shot during a game, both having equal playing skills. Which one will get it in, the one that says, “This shot looks hard, I don’t think I’m going to get it in!” or the one saying “This ball’s going home to Dunkland baby!!!”? I’m trying to illustrate that people limit themselves by what they feel they are worth, deserve or are capable of. Those people will only ever achieve what levels they limited themselves to mentally.

Same goes for you! This “levels” stuff you are talking about is horse shit. Right in your consultation you provide an excellent example where these supposed “level” limitations have failed you. You went out with girls you say are your level, and they sucked! Your negative dating experiences are from you subconsciously seeking partners who will be wrong for you, because that is what you THINK you deserve. You will be bored or displeased with all of the girls you date because your negativity, insecurities and lack of self confidence are picking these girls for you! You need to throw the self limiting “protection” and low opinions away, because it is harming you more than saving you.

How, you ask? By really appreciating your values and who you are! The people you date are a very strong projection of how you feel about yourself. If you are unhappy with yourself and have low self esteem, you are typically going to attract people in a similar mind set or people who will exemplify your self worth. If on the other hand you are positive, enjoy who you are and not limiting yourself by a completely unjustifiable “levels system”, you will attract girls you never thought possible! That’s right Tony, your happiness and self confidence will actually ATTRACT these girls into your life, they can sense it a mile away.

So, the next time you meet a girl you genuinely like, don’t assign her a level from one to ten and say to yourself “She’s a couple levels above me, she’s out of my league”. Instead, be confident that subconsciously you are attracted to positive qualities in her that you yourself possess and that you have much to offer her. Be proud of who you are and when faced with a situation like dating or anything in life for that matter, tell yourself you can achieve it and that you DO deserve what you’re looking for.

That’s Life!