I broke up with her but she won’t leave me alone! Posted August 27th, 2007 in Dr Thatslife Advice

 Norman, 29 from America writes…

“Chantal and I were going out for almost a year. Towards the end she was getting way too clingy for my liking, always calling me, wanting to know where I was, who I was with and why. To the point where I gave up on her and broke it off. That was about 4 months ago and she is STILL calling me, coming to my door, leaving voicemails, paging me, all to get us back together again - it never ends. Even to the point where she has purposely gone out to destroy dates I am having with other women. I have no interest in dating Chantal again I have tried to make that clear to her a number of times. I tell her, “I just don’t want to talk to you right now.” and walk away or hang up or whatever it takes to get away from her. So my question is, I want her out of my life, how do I get her to leave me ALONE!!!”

 Dr Thatslife has this to say…

It pisses me off just hearing about it, she REALLY needs to let go. And to invade your dates like that is ridiculous, I can see why you dropped her. Its all in how you react to her continual barrage of appearances in your life. The most crucial thing is your language and how, what and when you say things to her. The next time she calls or talks to you in person, don’t tell her “I don’t want to talk to you right now!” that invites the possibility in her mind that you MAY want to talk to her in the FUTURE. You need to create NO FUTURE, tell her “I have absolutely no interest whatsoever in having you in my life, there is no chance we will get back together, please leave me alone.” You’re thinking, shit Dr Thatslife, that’s tough. Yes it is Norman, but nice doesn’t work in these situations and no matter what you do you are going to hurt feelings. She will analyze anything you say for any possibilities of hope - if you don’t give her that hope in what you say, it may finally dawn on her that the show is over.

After that point, if she persists, completely ignore her. She’s running up to you trampling over people and park benches along the way, what do you do? Turn the other way and IGNORE. No small talk about how, “I’m late for work, gotta go.” or “MAYBE we can talk later”, nothing, just walk! Remember “MAYBE”, “LATER” and “NOT NOW” all mean to her that there is still a possibility in the future that you WILL want to talk to her. Any response you give her for that matter, shows that you are still paying attention to what she says or does - you don’t want that. You want to come across as an emotionless prick that doesn’t care less. I know it sounds heartless, but she needs to detach herself from you and move on in life. It is encompassing too much of her daily life and thought cycles.

So, it is time you be assertive and let her know all her attempts will fail by an initial strong discussion with her, and after that completely ignore her. If not immediately successful, over time it will most likely make her move on. Its tough, but you both need your own separate lives back, take the initiative and make that happen.

Unfortunately, that’s life!