Intoxicated Woman Joke Posted June 30th, 2009 in Dirty Jokes

A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.

He said, “I’m going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol.” She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said, “It looks like you’ve had a couple of stiff ones.”

She replied, “You mean it shows that, too?”

Last Words Posted June 27th, 2009 in Funny Pictures

Fellow Named Biddle Limerick Posted June 25th, 2009 in Rude Limericks

There was a young fellow named Biddle,
who was seldom hard up for a diddle,
and according to rumor,
his tool had a tumor,
and a fine row of warts down the middle.

Atheist Marriage Joke Posted June 22nd, 2009 in Dirty Jokes

A young lady came home from a date, sad and in tears. She told her mother, “Robert proposed to me an hour ago.” “Then why are you so sad?” her mother asked. ”Because he also told me he’s an atheist. Mom, he doesn’t even believe there’s a Hell!” Her mother replied, “Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we’ll show him how wrong he is.”

Keeping Your Virginity Posted June 19th, 2009 in Funny Pictures

Cocks and Paychecks One Liner Posted June 18th, 2009 in One Liner Jokes

Q. What’s the difference between your paycheck and your cock?

A. You don’t have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.

Ways Women Fail In Bed Posted June 15th, 2009 in Twisted Humor

Milking It - When stroking a guy’s dick don’t grab it like a bus rail and start jerking it like you were milking a cow. Don’t use the love sword as if it’s a piece of gym equipment to strengthen the forearms. The male organ is a thing of wonder and beauty, and should be awed, worshipped and held tenderly at all times. The sensitive part is at the top (where your face should be), not two-thirds of the way down.

Robots - When sucking a guy’s dick don’t just get on the end of the thing and jam your head back and forward. It’s a beautiful instrument; it should be caressed, inspected, kissed and licked from every possible angle.

Silent Fright - If you’ve come and cannot be coerced to scream to show your appreciation, at least make some sort of sign to inform the guy that he’s done his duty and can blow his biscuits whenever he wants.

No Laughing Matter - Don’t laugh if your creative male lover gets carried away and says things like, “I want to rinse your mouth with my fresh, white love potion.” Laughter at any aspect of the male performance will not enhance it. Just be grateful you’ve got a guy who can speak in whole sentences.

Closing Up - If a man is willing to take the trouble to come on your face, don’t close your eyes. He wants you to share this ecstatic moment of joyful union and love with him. Semen is not likely to cause permanent blindness in most cases - but this is a risk you should be prepared to take for his happiness.

Poor Presentation - Presentation is all important. Don’t wait to be asked to get it doggy-style. Roll over and present. You know you love it.

Hanging Around - When he is done, you should not kiss and cuddle, he does not want to touch you. You should leave the bed and leave him in peace. If you are a one-night stand you should leave the premises with out thieving anything or asking for a phone number. His work is done.

Being Shy - Always offer the Hershey Highway. You know you love It. If you don’t like it that much, still offer it as you can quite easily play with yourself as he rams away.

Being a Drip - You always have tissues in your bag, use them to clean his sheets and any ball bag drippage if you have misbehaved and not swallowed everything.

Clock-Watching - Never, ever, ever, ever even think of saying: “Are you going to come soon.” If you’re doing a blowie, you’d have to take your mouth off to utter the question. If you’re giving a hand-job, you should have gone to the gym to work your biceps. If he’s shagging you and takes more than 10 minutes you should be grateful. This is not a time trial but a blissful act of union between two sexually aware and gifted human beings.

Fishing for Compliments - Don’t ask him if you’re the best lover he’s ever had most men have had so many sexual partners that it is unlikely that you are. Please don’t ask a man to lie about such an important thing.

Playing Dead - Don’t just lie there, do something. Good sex is not a spectator sport and it helps if both parties move around a bit. I know you expect the men to do all the hard and skillful work. We don’t mind that and we’re blessed with the equipment and know-how to do it but at least put some effort into the act to show your appreciation.

Being Possessive - If you are lucky to have an imaginative lover who can satisfy two women at a time don’t sneer at or reject his exciting suggestion that one of your friends joins you to make up a threesome. If he’s a real man he’s probably shagging her anyway. Plus you might learn something from her to keep your man really happy.

Not Keeping Your Hair On - Don’t shave all your pubic hair off. It makes your snatch look like a piece of poultry past its sell-by date. At best, it looks like the snatch of a ten-year-old. If you want to trim, go for a nice sexy racing stripe in the manner favored by the Playboy models that your man would rather be shagging.

Spitting It Out - When a man has gone to so much trouble to ejaculate and get his aim right into your mouth, it is rude to spit it out without savoring taste and gluey texture. You should play with semen like a block of Hubba Bubba, blowing bubbles, chewing and throwing from side to side. A line like “I love it when you come in my mouth” makes for a happy finale to fun and games.

Being Ungrateful - Never forget to thank a man for all the effort and energy he has expended on making love to you - especially if a)sex has lasted more than five minutes and/or b)you managed to achieve an orgasm. A man’s role in sex is far more demanding than a woman’s so it is always nice when one’s prowess is appreciated.

Seeking Favors - Never contemplate taking advantage of your man’s warm after-sex glow to seek favors or make requests. As he drops off into well-deserved slumber, resist the urge to ask, “Do you think I should buy that dress, skirt, sofa, Mercedes, country cottage?” There is a name for the practice of mixing sex with material gain - prostitution.

Jailbait Posted June 12th, 2009 in Funny Pictures

Licking Balls Joke Posted June 10th, 2009 in Dirty Jokes

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street, when they come across this dog sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, “I sure wish I could do that!”

The other one looks at him and says, “Well, I think I’d pet him first.”

Girl From Whick Limerick Posted June 9th, 2009 in Rude Limericks

There once was a girl from Whick,
who said to her Mum “What’s a dick?”,
she said “My dear Annie,
it goes up your fanny,
and jumps up and down till it’s sick.”

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